Hmm... here to write out thoughts to clear my brian... the cells are fighting with each other... Just saw her profile on Friendster with latest update... went in to see out of curosity... I know I'll find out what I don't wanna see... But wtf I already see real life...
Althought both of them are still in Single mode... but there is more beyond the eye... I still don't know why I still not letting... Maybe I need to pack and go up the moutian for enlightenment... Ha... Really hate myself... Its been 8 moths yet it is still not ok...
But one thing for sure... I'm already letting go... I can't forget I can only accept and let go... The fact that all the reason of breaking up its just reason for escaping off me... Otherwise, he wont jump into her, when he said there wont be any future...
After that downpour that night... everything come so clear and so define... have pack up my feelings and head down the future by myself... I wanna be strong to face everything by myself... I can do it man... I dun wanna be taken as negative... Every course has its mean and reason...
I believe no matter if that breakup is out of self-fishness or really putting me in first place is not important anymore... At least that time he face his feeling truthfully and I am not the one... He didn't really treat me as his close friend thou so this I should already see it soon... However I always bluff myself and give him the benefits of the doubt... I've gaven hers too when Adeline reprimand me of thinking too much...
But all I have is "betrayal"... I know why he wanna say he don't wanna me to bear grudges going back... its not for him its for someone else... Saw their photo as well... she sent him off... thinking back din't have the privilege of doing so when with him...
Nevertheless... I have close chapter and move on with whoever have stand by my side and stay strong with me... I have the courage to move on... I do not know if I have the courage to really see them... otherwise I'll call them the other day... Still let's see the big day to come...
Hur... feel much better after all this... after all the complaining and tantrum and everything... I realise its only me that is so affected by it... Just me and myself only... Shall put it behind and move on... Seriously seeing it out of the box... No one is in the wrong... it just happen... its all about feeling... Even if I dont like the situation now... I hope she wont end up like me... and I hope he treats her well... I hope they will be happy... and this is what they really want...
Thanks for listening to old nanny stories... Its beeing 9 months already... times flies... I wish the day that I can look back and smile will come soon... I think I'm really recovery after so long... Thanks to all my ladies... my babes... my darlings... my dears... my sisters... and my brothers... my families... You Guys Rock To The Very Core... No worries about it man... Lynn is always so strong as ever... heez... will be cool cool and take it easy man... ^_^
Totally confuse...
Feel that double combo... I need my singlehood... He is not ur type... you should know he is like this... I wont be with him and I'll be prepared... She is not my type... Her mind is like in fairyland... I learn my lesson...
Rubbish... this is all rubbish... this is all fuck up man... What kind of rubbish is this... What kind of karma is this... I'm fuming like nobody business... I thought i can let go... seeing them in front of my eyes are killing me... I really feel like killing myself...
Argh... this is just my fuck up chapter... Seriously... after everything... I cannot do anything... I can't salvage anything... I can;t let go anything... howcome i'm always the one who have to follow the flow...
That's all I wanna vent... seriously now and all they should know what damage they have done... I'm finally admitting... The 3 of us... WE ARE FINALLY THROUGH...
Home is where everyone describes a warm and understanding feeling exist.
But it's not so for me.
I hate it.
I'm tired out from rushing all my coursework and projects and researching.
I don't get enough sleep.
My weight has went down significantly.
I'm struggling to float despite the weight pulling me downwards 24/7.
But she's not helping me.
In fact, all she ever does is nag at me, scream and find faults with me.
She even said I was using my final year project as an excuse of not spending time with the family.
You might be wondering why don't I explain to her my situation.
I tried, but it never works once.
She simply assumes that I am not as busy as I am.
She just wants things going smoothly in her own way.
And I'm her eyesore because I am always her "smooth-going obstacle".
She has been comparing my elder brother with me since young.
"Your gor gor ar, very smart, PLSE maths got A*, aggregate 247, get into 2nd choice: Nan Hua Secondary School."
"Your gor gor's O-Levels L1R5 got 10 points, get into SAJC."
"Your gor gor's A-Levels get 2As 1B."
"You ar, PSLE maths C. Cane and force you to practise Maths everyday, buy so many assessment books for you, still get a C out. Aggregrate 201. Just managed to scrap into express stream of Outram Secondary School, your last choice."
"Your O-Levels L1R5 15 points, go into 18th choice, SRJC. Sounds the same, but difference of A and J."
"Your A-Levels cannot even get into university, still need to retake again. You don't study lar! Only waste our money. Just go out and work."
"Huh? 2nd time retake A-Levels only get 1 A and 2Cs? Go into common engineering only. Your gor gor went into Computer Engineering."
And now that her Glorious Son, graduated without even an Merit, just a graduate with a Pass,
she now begins to find fault at me.
"Wahhhh.... someone so rich liao hor. Always get bursaries. From NTU, from AUPE, from A-Z organizations. Don't even give your parents money."
Bitch.
When I don't have enough money to eat, I had to dig into my savings.
Sometimes, I even have to go without meals.
My brother is staying in a room twice the size of mine.
He has a working aircon.
He doesn't have to sleep under clothes and undergarments hanging over his head, unlike me.
Why the different treatment?
I used to pressure myself to do better than my brother so as to win a praise of a word or two from her.
But reality hit me when I am in university.
Sometimes, her unreasonableness frustrates me to such an extent, I feel like slapping her to shut up.
Naturally I didn't.
Coz she's my mom.
And I don't want to be labelled as an unfilial kid.
But I'm reaching my limits soon.
Yayyy!!! I've got bursaries again!!! 2nd time in a row for the bursary from NTU and also bursaries from mommy's company. ^_^
Gonna save up this amount of money to go on a graduation tour with Hubby!!!
Today marks our 1st year anniversary. Celebrated on last Saturday. C0z we have quizzes tomorrow!!! Ughh!! BUT!!! After tomorrow's quiz, we're gonna relax and enjoy our day out. =)
Missing him sooo much. He always put a smile on my face.
Love you sweetie.
Lots.
Muacks!
Yayyy!!! I've got bursaries again!!! 2nd time in a row for the bursary from NTU and also bursaries from mommy's company. ^_^
Gonna save up this amount of money to go on a graduation tour with Hubby!!!
Today marks our 1st year anniversary. Celebrated on last Saturday. C0z we have quizzes tomorrow!!! Ughh!! BUT!!! After tomorrow's quiz, we're gonna relax and enjoy our day out. =)
Missing him sooo much. He always put a smile on my face.
Love you sweetie.
Lots.
Muacks!
I'm tired.
Tired from the impending amount of work awaiting.
All the lectures and meeting of projects datelines.
I just wish to stop at my track.
But I'm given no choice.
To make things worse, frequent quarrels and arguments arise.
Endless waves of disappointments.
I just want to have a break from the lifestyle I'm having.
I'm disappointed in everything.
Including him.
No longer feel that he is who he was.
Having second thoughts about him.
People change.
I have changed too, probably.
I just want to be alone.
Away from all the datelines, away from him.
Alright guys, suddenly have a rush to write a blog about a story I'm ponding and believing it for a year.
This is dedicated to the male and female lead, as this story only tells once, and it will be buried.
Once upon a time, there's this gal, her name is frog face aka froggy. She met some downhill at her previous job and she decided to leave for her dignity and shall not stay there for good.
During the period, froggy was quite alone with a little friend and she do part time as well at a club as banquet waitress. She is very good with her "Shifu" and got together, her bf, blackie is not the main lead cause he disappear in two weeks time.
Nevertheless, Froggy continue perservere to find job, criteria of the job no paper and able to run around. She got enlighten by one of her friend who is working at Le'Meridian to hunt for Front Desk Job.
So she happily hunt for the position, due to her efficiency, she nail down a reception job at the overseas, Sentosa, and met her long long cousin Frog Face 2 aka long froggy. There she starts to have her adventure with her team, Penguine, cleopatra, Vampire, ET, Meatball aka Garfield, Bunny, Princess, Police, Suzzy, Moo and Chou Chou...
Actually, the above is not very important, she never knew that after one year of bumping around, she starts to have chemistry with Meatball. Although Meatball and Froggy don't look alike, but people still find similarities about them.
They like to see Meatball which reminds them of Froggy in pants, they like to see Froggy cause its Meatball in skirts. It thrills the both of them about the idea, and being the childish one, Froggy look upon Meatball as her twins. She starts to see if they are telepathy, encourage him, and trying to do things that are very twin.
They quarrell, irritate each other, imitate each other, tease each other, help each other, cover up each other, thus the chemistry is there.
Sooner or later, things starts to be different. Meatball starts to be really irritating, always angry at Froggy for no reason, this push Froggy to be very close with Vampire. However due to the chemistry and wavelength, they still have the frequency there.
Then, it comes department BBQ and all of the team decided to go clubbing after BBQ. Froggy's a very neutral person who is very very good to everyone, which is not very good. After that night, Meatball starts to be very strange, and to Froggy it seems to be a mood call jealousy. However Meatball denied, and Froggy feel that she think too much.
Soon after a few days, they chat on msn, (computer is very common in fairy tale and so is MSN).
Meatball confess that he likes Froggy, however they have someone in between that he have to face. Meatball says he will and Froggy believe, and there it goes their enchanting journey.
They meet each everyday like they can't be together the next day, sharing everything is what they always enjoying to do, exploring each other interest and standing up for each other. This is their lovable honeymoon.
However, Froggy do have her pain, as Meatball did not come face to face with the in between, Froggy have to tolerate the 4 months of in between and have to lied to in between for 2 times which makes her guilty and wanna give up. However, when she decideds to give up, Meatball face to face with in between and there is no inbetween, Froggy decides to believe Meatball again and she swallow her words in.
Then they starts their life together once again, one thing very blessing is that they hardly quarrell cause they are too alike and know how each other will react. Froggy wont quarrell with Meaty cause he once said that when he thought of her not talking to him, he teared. Still knowing each other too well will starts to think too much, and in the end you might not know each other at all.
Day after Day, froggy becomes more and more in love with Meaty, He sings for her, cook for her, take care of her, think of her, they share their music, their life.
Froggy is very in love with Meaty playing guitar, performing or jamming session, when he is playing, when he is serious and when he is worried about her.
She is very touch that he is very worried that she is being bullied at new workplace, and cause she can feels his worried, she decides to be stronger.
However, when things are seems to settle down, it takes a turn. Once a saying when it happen too fast, it will end fast also.
After meaty come back from his hometown, he is troubled and starts to ignore Froggy. Giving him benefits of the doubt is very important and she do not want to think too much. Froggy starts to be blind and ignorant to the fact very obvious, the end is coming.
Froggy becomes very not her, she is insecure, alone, and she keeps things to herself. She do not wants to bring it up cause she do not wants to upset meaty as well. She becomes very sad that meaty have his own circle of friends and she can really see the piority. Things starts to drift, she starts to have the courage of reasoning and arguing. Meaty of cause will give his argument as well.
Whatever should end should end, they lost the chemistry, they lost the sparks, they lost their frequency and Froggy still naively believe that it is just her thinking too much.
Her birthday arrive, and Meaty did a very sweet thing. He called her at 2350hrs and chat til 1200hrs as he do not want her line to be engage by others. This is the sweetest birthday Froggy ever receive even if it is just 10 minutes.
Sweetest things always don't last, beautiful things always don't last as well.
Three days later, she lost her precious phone, two days after the phone is lost, he left her.
"We will have no ending"
"I always wanted to go meet other girls but I felt guilty cause of you"
"I want my singlehood"
Intially she persist in salvaging, but the words that he says cuts in more and more deep.
She knows that he do not love her anymore, he uses time to stop loving her and finally he left her. Unknowing of the storm, unprepared, she cannot take it. Although she is cool finally, saying their last goodbyes and wishes, she is not stable.
Lost her phone, no one to turn to in the middle of the night, all she remember is his number.
She sat there quietly, drawing her own circle around her, building a boundary around her, started to wear a facade around her.
She is a very sensible girl who do not mix work and her life together, so she have to wear her facade everyday, meeting her friend who care for her to cheer her up everyday. Maybe its because, it cuts too deep, it is not pain.
Hearing things that have hurt her and trigger her imagination, she still naively believe him and find reason for him to make her feel better. Anyway knowing the truth isn't any much better it might be ugly, the reality is this he have left her, and might be for the better.
She isn't what he wanted.
Until when she saw him at his birthday party, when she saw his carefree the reality starts to bang in. She is so fragile but she is not going to collapse. She have to prove that she can make it as well so that he wont feel that she is weak.
Now its been 5 months, Froggy is still doing well, tearing in the blanket time to time. However, she now stand strong, putting everything behind, looking forward to her million of possibilities.
Keeping the good memories with her, and buried the bad ones. She is a brand new person once again and she surely will.
Hmm, what a lame story. Crap you read til the end. Come on, it is just a piece of lousy story I wrote.... But.... it is significant...
Hmmm suddenly wanted to blog... but dun know what to blog... heez...
Suddenly feel so tired to do anything... I'm so tired to upkeep my life... so tired of moving on... ha...
Suppose to met Sun last week... Too bad she gave it a miss cos she cut her leg... hope she is alright... anyway... she went to drink with him and her after that... damn disappointed about it thou... damn damn dissapointed... but i'm so tired to feel anything...
I'm so tired to be happy to smile... to be sad and cry... to be angry and curse... I'm so so tired about my life... to do anything... I'm just damn lazy suddenly...
Ha dun worry about me... I just need to disappear only... hmm Good idea... I'll do that... heez... here it goes... *Disappear*...
Sad music video. Made me cry.
Met Rohit just now after funeral... Suppose to catch a movie and get my phone... But the movie I wanna watch is not showing and have weird time slot... So we have to give it a miss... He rush down to meet me and I really appreciate it...
Went to M1 to have a look and wait for him at the meanwhile... Its so pack my god... Everyone is so rich to buy a phone suddenly... There he came... I told him I dun wanna wait let's get the phone some other day... He told me to get it over and done with... This is the first spark that hit me saying that hey he wanna get it done with you... So we go ahead... Although we are trying to be normal... Somehow or rather I feel that he just meet me for the sake of meeting me...
Whenever I got to know his whereabout or things like... He always have time for other people... For me is excuses after excuses... This is serious how I feel... With me he will make sure we dun catch late night show... with me he make sure he go home early... with me he make sure he send me home in my dreams... Today he is too initiative to queue up for me for the queue number for the phone and the dinner... It makes me feels like he just wanna rush things over...
In the bus I'm really very disappointed why I'm still so work up... I shouldn't feel a thing and just shrug my shoulder and that's it... In the end... I send a msg to him... saying that I wont be contacting him anymore... On surface it may seems materialistic that I got the phone and I just disappear... I just wanna have something from him to keep... cause to think of it... he onli gave me Zara and the phone i lost and nothing else... At least i got this phone as a memory sake...
I dun think he is sentimental... He lost the zippo and slam the phone... i think soon the xbox will disappear also... then i'll disappear also.. then in the long run he will forget who is lynn... ha wat a joke... this is really a joke i can only cry about...
Don't bother to come and ask me what happen... I just wanna write out my thoughts and emotion...
I was born under the care of my grandma... and alot of aunts and uncles... I'm the oldest in the new generation... Grandma just dote me cause I'm the only girl the rest are guys... She can make good food... Crack good jokes... and She likes gathering...
She always say Shuling... you see gradma is it having a good life... I have so many children and so many grandchildren... Ya I have cousin that is just born... Can you imagine I'm already 23... I'm like looking after the nursery at times... Its so fun...
Recent years she always nagg me... When are you bringing your boyfriend to me... When are you going to study a degree... I just ignore like usual naggs... We are like the Joy Luck Club... The Woman Clan... cause in the family there is 1 grandma 5 aunts my mom and me... it already outrule the mans... The man can only stay outside to rotate their mahjong session...
Finally when my mom told her that I'm seeing someone she is damn happy... Too bad I'm not good in handling a relationship... So it don't last til new year... So she is disappointed again...
This is not the case... She is so naughty... I always caught her smoking at the stair case like a small girl scare being caught... I always say this is the last time... Cannot smoke next time le understand... Later aunty will kill me and give you a lecture... Still I will still caught her... then She will pull me to the stair case to talk while she faster finish her cigerette...
After I change my job... I didn't really have time for her the last time I see her is during New Year... and just 1 days ago my mom called me and say grandma is in critical condition might not be able to pass thru tonight...
I rush down pending all my emails and faxes for tml... I have no concentration for my work... When I reach the hospital... Ah ma was unconsious... She is under the morphy drop to kill the pain and prolong the hours... She is breathing very heavily... and she is suddenly so skinny... I went there and call her Ah ma... no reply... I hold her hand... "Ah ma..." no reply... damn the hand was small and cold and no life... "Ah ma this is shuling i come and visit you..." still no reply...
I don't like my ah ma to be like that i want her to jump around hop around and keep nagging me... i want her to keep forcing to help her with her food cos she always want me to be a very demure lady that can be good in food as well...
When it hit 11 the nurse ask us off... The adults are all sending the children hope I'm also included as the childrens... and the adults are all coming back to stay over not to miss the last moments...
When morning arrive... we request for my grandma discharge... as the doctor cannot do anithing to my grandma... She is a strong lady who really endure... when she complaint about her pain and we bring her to the hospital... her Kidney already have a hole and her liver is all damage due to the cancer and its swollen to 3 times it size...
Grandma have all her wish granted... she have given away 3 aunts... so it should be 8 aunts but i'm not close to them... cause we find them back in the recent years... She always scare that the 3 aunts will hate her for sending them away since birth... I cried when my aunt say... We never blame you ma... Although we just reunion but you are the best ma... next life we still want to be your child... can you hear us... we understand the circumstances so we never blame you and daddy...
She still nagg that she don't have time to see me going out with someone and get married... which I feel very sad again... This is out of my control ah ma... But I promise I'll find a really good guy... I'll make sure he is as hommy as ever and loves my family as well... I'm can't accept the fact actually cause everyone is hiding from me... I don't have time to spend my last hour... I dont even have time to talk to you... I hope you wont go cause I haven't found someone... If this could be the reason to make you stay... I rather be single all my life just to make you stay by my side... Grandma you still want to travel around... We haven't go travelling... How can you go just like that... Grandma you haven't done the things you wish to do so you can't go... how can you go just like that... Come back ar... Come back... Then we can go alot of places and I promise I'll always visit you even I dont have time... Don't leave us ar... I haven't even bring my bf back yet... How can you just leave like that...
Grandma all of us will be very bonded and very close... You will be smiling down... Bing Bing already attached... Wei Wei too... I'll make sure they dont dump their girlfriend for good... haha... You will be very happy that the family is growing and we are still bonded... everyone will remember you and what you have done for us... You are the best ah ma ever... really... even if we really dont have time for your but you will never complaint... I love you grandma... I love you for loving me and I love you for everything...
I'm in the office right now. So bored... Boo hoo...
Stuck in my project, looked for supervisor.
Alas, supervisor told me personally that he's not well-trained in the field which my project is heading.
Duh!!!! Then why is he my supervisor?
Apologised to him profusely that I seem to take ages to find the theoretical value for the problem I'm stuck in, leading to the probability that I may not be able to finish the project in time.
He just smiled and said, "It's ok, if you managed to find the equation within 2-3weeks, I'm very amazed. In fact, I never expect you to finish the project for me. You can take all the time you need. Do not think you didn't help me in any way. You've helped alot."
Thanks Prof.
Hope he grades me well. >.<
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I'm bleeding profusely... why no one can ever notice... I'm trying to be brave to be strong but how come whenever i'm facing the wall... when no one is here i'll tear... why this is such a big impact that i can't just simply walk out with... I thought i'll be ok... why hasn't be over... I realise that going out for the past 1 week is just proving to myself that i'm just a very sorry ass...
I know my friend is still here with me... I know i promise you are my priority... but y i cant let go no matter how much i wanna let go... seeing him so happy with his life... makes me realise that all he says abt how he love me and care of me and wanna us to remain friends is all bullshit... He just wanna have his life back... He long don't have his heart with me why can't I see... If he do love me... He wont have the mentality of being a player and wanting to play with gals...
He did mention a very dramtic irony... he said he don't know why that he is like yetty and i'm like him... when we just started off... its always been this way... now he even left me like how yetty left me... I'm just not that clever to investigate things that's all... Anyway... reasons are not impt... the main point is he dun want to be together with me... this is already a very impacting reality i need to face... I dun want to know the reasons... I know i cannot accept the reasons... I cannot accept the excuses as well... I might not be able to recover to hear the real reason from his own mouth... he is already doing me a pity by saying all the things he said... the things that he should say...
I've been playing this old corny song by Jay... Its call "quiet" in chinese its " An Jing"... neven did i realise that a song that accompanied me thru my sch days and keep broadcasting on air til i fed up have such an impact on mi... now i truly know wat is the song all about... it hurts it really hurts... its hurts to know that he don't love me... its hurts to see him still acting as if he cares when I'm the one who keep msging him... its hurts when you realise that wat he says turns out otherwise... Once I msg him... "Hubby how long can we be together?" "Forever baby, its more good luck..." I'm really a gal in fairytale giving this relationship so much faith til I left nothing... He left me with a very big wound that I need to hide and heal it myself... My ten months of love is actually bull shit to him... he dun cherish but throw it away... I still remember that he say "do you think that when a person who found a diamond will throw it away... he wont... and I wont also..." Every sentence he said that makes me tinkle last time turn into a sharp blade and cut into me each and everytime...
I remember the chorus of the song with much depth... How bad you want me to say... I jus dun want to part... why must I put up a smile and accept it... I dun have such talent... to embrace you and accept her... Dun worry too much... I'll be leading a better life... You are already far away... I'll slowly move away as well... Why must I still pester you when we are apart... I really dun have the talent... I can't get it over so fast... but I'll learn to give you up... cause I love you too much...
Hmm very meaningful right... I know one day my blood will stop bleeding for you... I know that I'll move on... I'll do it better... Since you are already moving on and leading a good life without me... I shouldn't have keep dwelling here... I'm waiting for my blood to stop to dry and I'll revive and be brand new again... I will one day... and I hope its soon... I cannot stand the days now... Its too tormenting...
Great! Excellent way of starting the Lunar New Year. Had a quarrel with him on the eve that still lasted over to today. Fucking pissed with him. Fine! I shan't call him any endearments anymore. So much so for someone who is so appreciative of my being. Bunch of crap. His reason on why he does not want me to call him any endearments during the game is - afraid others will find out that we know each other and might quit together. He wants to be called by character name. What the fuck! Like I fucking know 56 over character names?!
YOU have been playing the game for over 2 years plus. YOU know almost every single character name. YOU know how to play the game fairly well.
I just started playing the game for over 2-3 months. I don't know every single character name.
I don't fucking know how to play the game well.
Guess what?! It was only last night when you type CM to me in msn, telling it that it's me, then I realised I was the SUBJECT of ridicule of the game last night! I don't even know my own character name! And I'm the last to know that I'm the one being ridiculed!
All the talk about you understanding my state. Bullshit! It's never possible for someone who's so high up there to understand a person of lower standing.
SO BE CONSIDERATE ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND MY POSITION! Damn it!
Its been a traumatic week for me... But I'm proud of myself that I have walk thru... I'm glad that my friends did not ditch me when I do need them...
I realise that now spending time with family and friends are the most important part of my life... I'll still welcome him with open arms as my friend as he never disappoint me as a friend... Now we choose to lead a new phrase of life with different identity... He will still my friends and see how I grow... I'll be the same too... I'll help him to grow too... which I hope things will work out right...
Reasons of breakup is ain't important... The real root of the reason is ain't the right time... that's why we weight the relationship different and see it differently...
Yest I have snip off my hair to start afresh... To let go what is mend to let go and carry on for a brighter future which is install for me... I'm sorry that I let my friends worry... I'll adjust my body not to worry... Its nothing serious... heez...
Lynn Ong... I salute you that you are cool in the breakup and did not falter infront of him... I'm proud of you that you are willing to let go and step infront... What have pass have already pass... what happen have already happen... Things happen for a reason which you have to be strong in accepting it... Its only when you have the courage to face it... then you have the courage to move on... I love all my friends and my bitches and my close one... You all are just my everything that I can't shed away from... Cheers to hell ya!!!
Sorry babe... I've been home late these few days... dun have the guts to go home early... and whenever i call u your phone is off... so i can't contact you... at work cos i'm at call centre i needa off my phone...
I'm sorry that I made you worried... finally today i let it all out... finally today i cried... after meeting my friends and chill... i realise that since he put down so fast and already move on... i cannot be that pitiful little thing... i need to move on also... but cos i given him everything... it might not be that easy...
I wont go for another guy just to forget him... its too risky... that guy might end up be a wrong decision too... I'm pining all my hopes on friends le... I want my bisexual life back... i want to find back my playfulness again... I believe that friends is the best remedy to heal me... but pining hope on patch up... i wont... he have destroy my last straw of hope til i'm a pathetic little gal... i wont look into it... and relationship wont be my cup of tea now...
I believe that I can face him with a smile... maybe be together like a best friend like what we always were before we are together... I want to be with my girlfriends... i miss them lots... i want to be with you all cos you all give me the support that makes me walk thru these...
But nevertheless, if times goes back and let me choose... I think i will still wanna be with him... but i wont be taht serious anymore... I wont take wat he says as wat he says... i wont let him coax me of moving out rasa... and i wont let him coax me to stop being brother to my guy friends... heez... but everything happens for a reason... I've grown and see a better side of the world because of him... he have bring me joy... sorrow... and pain... but i hope you wont feel its his fault... cos he do have his stand... and he do have his reason for doing so... and reason is not impt cos they are half excuses... the main point is this relationship can't carry on... a clap needs 2 hands...
I'm using my dad's lousy phone with short batt lifespan... so it always flat during i'm out... cos my phone is hotline lol... alright babe... adious amigoes...
I tried to contact you since last night. Called your home, messaged your mom. Told her to pass the message to you to contact me immediately. Waited up for your call last night. But no reply. Left offline msn message and friendster message. No reply either. Do you now how freaking worried I am for you? I couldn't reach you at all. PLEASE CALL ME OK!? Left my mobile number in friendster message.
How come your phone is off as well... So cornny have to chat through the blog... but Rohit and I are thru... He wanna have the break up...
I dun know wat to say and how to feel... I haven't really have a good cry... I wanted to cry to make mi feel better... to make mi feel that I should move on... but I'm shock that nothing comes out... the tears is going the other way... I dun know how come its like that... i dun want to be like that... I dun want to be the weak side of it... i dun want to give peep the impression that I cannot make it...
You know its hurts when i see that he is yearning to get over it... he is so happy that everything is over... i feel that he have already tarnish my last straw of hope... he have change all his profile to single and deleted all our photos... things just came hard on me... cos i dun see the storm coming... and i always have the faith in him that we can work it out like an adult just talk it out... Some people say i give him to much freedom til he is now out of hand... but actually i feel that he already want it this way when he is with his previous ex... its just that i'm like a new thing for him to experience it... or maybe that at that point he feel that he can give it another shot...
But nevertheless... he is a good chap... bad valentine... he can be 100% buddy for a friend... but for lovers, he only care about his feelings more than others... he just wants his way... it took me 10 months to notice it but i dun regret it thou... he just told me right in the face that he wants his singlhood... you can really see him begging for it le... it is that pain... initially i'm already to tear and drama... but when i hear that i just shut up... the tears just freeze... i can't do anithing... Rohit and I have talk about being friends... so dun worry... its just the matter of how long do i need to let go... as long as i can do it as cool as him... i'm ready to accept him...
Dont dont ask mi to be involve in anyone... i'm not ready... i can onli say i'll move on... I think serene is waiting for me to be with her lol i lost her number thou do let mi know if you got her number ... and my priority is friend... i want my friend back... i want to spend time with them... cos i know that when i'm in trouble they are always there... I'll try to adjust... I'm adaptable... this is wat i believe in... i wont let u see the weak side... even if i ever falter... i'll hide it... i will... believe me i'll do well ok... anithing you just call mi la... can't sleep and eat well since last night... i'll go shower and rush my audition... Maybe I can take this time to tone down my body should be quite efficient...
Babe, listen to me. Did you have a talk with Rohit about the Valentine's Day issue? Maybe to him, everyday is Valentine's Day, thus he doesn't see the logic on why you two should splurge on presents or dinner out when you two know prices are illogically high.
Did you know that YY wanted to bring me to Marriot Hotel for dinner. But when I knew that it was about $70-$80 per person, I told YY that I rather we cooked dinner at his place instead. Both of us know that it is ridiculous that prices are hiked so high. In the end, we compromised. Gifts for each other ain't judge by it's price tag. Dinner doesn't have to be at a high class restaurant/hotel. As long we are together, everything is insignficant. Is it every year that you spend Valentine's Day alone? Do you guys go out have a walk together? Cheer up babe. Anything just give me a call.
You're my Valentine too. *muacks*
Wanted to sleep... can't sleep... mom put the display box right infront of my bed... well done mom... I miss my phone so much!!! cried and cried... when can i stop... i'm really good for nothing... onli know how to cry and cry and cry... Lynn can you be more productive... Feel so lousy... hate myself... Msg Hubby just now to see any kind soul called... but no avail...
Right you all sure feel that I'm over reacting right... you all sure wont understand... no matter how much I explain... I really cherish it when hubby give me this phone... cos i know the importancy of this phone... I'm just a childish brat who is crying for her wrong doings... Argh... Ong Shu Ling... Stop crying if not I'll really shot you to the wall... Hubby also nv blame you... How come you still act pity here... really good for nothing... only know how to cry and cry... Cry baby!!! one day you will drown the whole singapore... hurmp... So irritated by you... Just live with it la... You think people are all like Ms Julie and Joleen that will return the phone to owner... Fat Hope...
I'll go walk around the house le... Hope blogging will lift me up abit... Hope someone hears me... Told Joleen earlier... I'll buy her K800I if that person will return my phone... I'll be really good to everyone... really everyone... I wont throw tantrum... I wont kick a fuss... I wont be petty... I wont be annoy... Hurmp... stop wasting my breath... I know I'm being childish again... better go walk around the house and pack up... Goddess must be angry at me for not keeping my room clean... She must be angry that I always take all my close one for granted... she must be angry that I always think too much... She must be angry that I'm pessimistic... I'll go walk around...
Just hang up the phone with hubby... it seems like my valentine's day is burn... no advance celebration nothing... he can't see y i need to celebrate... i can't see y he dun want to celebrate... my valentine's day its always so lonely... good for you la sandra... good for you la julie... good for you la joleen... everyone gets to celebrate no matter how much the boi friend dun like... i still need to go down to be the light bulb of everyone... who say bf is always there when you need them... its untrue... when you realise that he is not that... you will realise how lonely you are... I'll go cry in the blanket... good night...
I lost my precious phone... Although it is just 2 days old... but its very sentimental to me... cause its a gift from my hubby... its a gift that he have put his heart out to get for me... its a gift that don't come easy... Its a thought from him and I have move 500 msg from him one by one to the new phone... thus it still have the reminesince of the old phone... I lost all my contacts... I lost everything in the phone... I thought i can have more memorable memory with the new one... I thought its so nice that he is using the phone that I bought for him... and I'm using the phone he bought for me... yet I lost it...I should deserve 2 tight slap and let mi bang into the wall... My first bday gift from him... Mummy and daddy feel very heartach for him also... Money dun come easy... I think i must be born in outer space with no sense of alertness... omg... I feel so lost about it...
Hubby is right that I can't cry over spill milk... but i just can't help it... remembering how i lost the phone really make mi very heartach... i'm sure hubby feel the same way... its just that he dun wanna make mi feel worse that's y he says its nothing... how can it be nothing... the phone dun come cheap... no phone come cheap wat... and best of all... i dun know how to look after it... Hubby still say he is going to get mi another one... how can i ask him to buy another one when i'm the one who lose it? but that one wont have the same valuable meaning as the initial one he bought me... I feel so bad when hubby in turn to console me and tell mi its a very cheap phone... how cheap can it be... its still from ur hard earn money right... when he say he is going to get me another one... i feel even worse... how come he dun wanna scold mi for being careless... i might feel better... yet he in turn console me... when we are trap outside his house cos he forgot to bring his keys... he still console me with his stories of how he lost so many sentimental thing as well... he must feel bad as well... ARGH... I know its no use keep on saying sorry or apologizing... but i do feel very heart pain... i really very pain that the phone is missing... I havent even take my first picture with my hubby over that phone yet...
Decided that I'm going to buy exactly the same phone that he bought me... treat it as a small punishment for being so careless... No matter how similar the phone is... It is still not the original... Can the angel be kind enough to return me the phone... I really want the original phone back... I promise I'll take care of the phone... I promise I'll always keep it in a safe spot in my bag... I promise I wont complaint about hubby... I promise I'll do housework... I promise I'll be good gal and dun argue and complaint so much... Really I really will... please return the phone to me... please... (T_T) I'm even willing to pay any amount just to redeem back my phone... That person is so cruel to take the phone away... its just a phone return to me I'll get u a better one in return...
Maybe its a sign to tell me that if i dun cherish hubby then he might be like the phone... lost... hur... *shake head* have to be positive... When something is lost... it means that I'll gain another thing in no time... aiya it doesn't help... i'm drowning in a sense of lost...
It happen too fast that I can't even react... I'm just 10 steps out of the toilet and i remember my phone... when i go back its gone... how can the person be so fast... how come that person dun have the heart... how can she just take the phone like that... Am I dumb or what... how can i left it there and just leave?? Omg the feeling sux big big time... Just call me a dumb ass ok... i deserve it...
Yippeeeeee!!! I've finally gotten the NTU bursary! Woot! $800!!
Listen to dear dear, save up the money for our next 2 upcoming tours!!!
Gonna get a little something for him though. And my bro too!
Received news from "him" today that the company which "he" is attached to has transferred "him" out of the programming project. "He" will be working at the site instead, wiring up the machines.
Sucky parts : -
1. No pay rise.
2. No pay leave, no MCs allowed.
3. Shift work, i.e., "he" might be required to work during weekends.
Damn the stupid company. I feel so pissed for him.
Originally we didn't have much time together when attachment started. Now? Even lesser time spent together! Curse that company, which they so proudly declare as a MNC.
I want nothing more than just spending more time with "him".
But now, I can only just cross my fingers and pray that "he" doesn't get called back for work during weekends.
I miss "him".
Hi... Finally sitting down to read my survey about guys and gals in a relationship and some of the questions that are running in my tiny weeny little brain.
I have started to survey when hubby inform me that we do not need to meet every week. In a view of a girl, I find it very serious, as we use to meet everyday, which we are being force to meet only a few days a week, til we are meeting once a week. Maybe I'm really going round my hubby, but my hubby don't see the case. Have surved my first victim, Mr Alvin Wee, who is Julie's bin bin... heez...
Mr Alvin responded by using "Distance makes a heart fonded". He have question me that wont I feel tired to seeing my boyfriend every week? My respond which is similar to Ms Evelyn and Ms Julie - If we starts to stop meeting our boy means we don't like them at all. Do correct me if I'm wrong, I use to feel that I know guys very well, until I meet hubby, he is something I'm still trying to understand.
Second victim is Mr Alfred, he always quarrell with his gf over the phone. To him, sometimes meeting girlfriend there is something can they can do and cannot do, which being with friends are more casual.
Met Julie earlier, Lester have told her something, being together we have to find our comfortable breakeven point. Then both of us will be together confortably, each and every pair of couples have different level of comfortable level.
Spoken to Hubby earlier on as I'm still doing my survey he will be last and key victim for the survey. He said that girlfriend is always in contact but not friends, but the friends he goes out with are the ones he met everyday at work. I have told him that Eve, me and 2 of my colleagues are going for ice skating session, and I have question will he feel uncomfortable about it. He said that if I can find the right person that is suitable for me then he will let me go and give me my blessing.
Discuss this topic with Julie as Alvin said the same thing to her before, and we find out that the perception of guys and girls are not the same. Girls will fight for their happiness, for example, Julie have tried to sound and hint Alvin about coming back together. I have also told hubby before that I wont give up on him and our relationship if the family and committee don't accept me.
Been thinking about alot of questions that cannot be solve in my head, actually I still cannot get over the time when hubby told me that we cannot make it. He told me not to love him so much, does it means that he is already giving up on me?? Being with me is just letting me be prepare to live alone. With all the uncertainty in head, I really do not know how to work things out. Hubby is one thing I can't let go. He is very important, that's why when I ask him whether will we be together, he told me he can't maintain a relationship and chances are very slim. All these while, I do not know whether it is hint to ask me to carry on with life. He told me that if we really cannot work things out he promise himself that he will be single. Maybe the way I say it is too stressful for a guy, but today I have thought about it, if Hubby and I can't work things well, lesbianism might be a better way out for me.
Although it wont be recognise, but at least I might be happy. Then again, realising that Hubby and I do not have tomorrow are a deadly impact on me. I've been trying to avoid and throw away the idea. I thought I'll cry in the bus or at the bus stop when Hubby left to catch his bus. To my surprise, my tears flow the other way round. Tears don't flow out no matter how I squeeze but my heart is bleeding. I can't believe that I can love a guy to this extend.
Relationship is such a complicated topic, Hubby just msg back, brighten up my day alittle, he says that he will keep our relationship alive. This is all I want to hear, nothing as important as he is willing to give in to this relationship. That means all the things that seems like hint are not hint at all. Guys they can be so cool in a relationship, whereas girls, they can cry and weep and scream and die for watever reason it is.
I have joke to Julie maybe she can know Hubby and consult him about guys more when she have problems with Alvin. You see, its just a small small issue, and it can link up to so many uncertainty and questions. Underline of all from Julie and me, we are damn devoted to our relationship and don't cha try to shoo us away, we are going to stick wit ya like it or not. We will be like elephant glue, bluetac, 3M, chewing gums, scotchtape, clay, cemant, wax, gel, what ever you name it we are in for it. All the best to Alvin and Julie, all the best to Rohit and Lynn... Cheers...